IF YOU CANNOT FIND OSAMA:
BOMB IRAQ!

By Connie Corcoran Wilson, M.S.

Just before we did the "shock and awe" number, dropping tons and tons of smart bombs on Iraq on April 9, 2003, I was sent this e-mail message by a friend of a friend. I found the ditty to be right on in its message, which was as follows:

(Sung to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It")

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea's much too risky: Bomb Iraq!

Although we have no allies with us:  Bomb Iraq!
If we think someone has "dissed" us, Bomb Iraq!
So, to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions: Bomb Iraq!

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression": Bomb Iraq!
To prevent "mass destruction": Bomb Iraq!
They've got weapons we can't see
And that's good enough for me
'Cause it's all the proof I need: Bomb Iraq!

If you never were elected: Bomb Iraq!
If your mood is quite dejected: Bomb Iraq!
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
AND HE TRIED TO KILL YOUR DAD! Bomb Iraq!

If your corporate fraud is growin':  Bomb Iraq!
If your ties to it are showing:  Bomb Iraq!
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy:  Bomb Iraq!

Fall in line and follow orders:  Bomb Iraq!
For our might knows not our borders:  Bomb Iraq!
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war, not love, this season,
Even if we have no reason:  Bomb Iraq!

This contribution amused me mightily, and I took it with me to my volunteer reading to the visually disabled on WVIK (Augustana College, Rock Island, Illinois), sharing it with the young clerk who was the night watchman of the shift.  I had been reading to the blind and visually impaired, as a good deed, for over a year.  It had come to my attention that even the blind and visually impaired might be bored to near-death or coma by one entire hour filled with nothing but grocery prices and obituaries.  So, during the three-minute break we were entitled to take at the half hour, I would normally bring something "funny" from the newspaper. 

Nobody had ever noticed or commented on the fact that, during MY three minutes, I would (occasionally) digress and read something other than an obituary. (The obituaries are "the favorite show." I'm wondering if the listeners are just making sure that they're not in them.) It was not a subversive act. I even sang a verse for John, the student watchman, before I entered the booth.

The night all hell broke loose was the first night that WVIK had installed its new equipment.  Because they were having trouble regulating the volume levels of the new equipment, an engineer was (apparently) listening that night, along with my three regular listeners huddled together in a tiny closet in Silvis or Colona or Milan somewhere, with their special receivers.

Just as I launched in to the second stanza of "If You Cannot Find Osama, Bomb Iraq!" an engineer, who, henceforth, shall be dubbed "a pin-headed engineer," (actually, it was his shirt that was pin-striped, but who's keeping score, really?) burst in to my cubicle, frantically making the universally known "cut" gesture at the neckline and practically foaming at the mouth. Geez!

I carefully turned the button to place the channel on the network, which meant that pre-canned music would further anaesthetize the blind who were listening, picked up my things, and left.  After all, I was an unpaid volunteer and the unpleasantness of this guy's frenzy cannot be over-stated.

Mr. Pinhead then flew after me, following me in to the parking lot, frothing with indignation, and quoting, "FCC" this, that and the other thing.  It was snowing outside at the time. I said. "Calm down or you'll have a stroke."  Then, I got in my car and drove away.  When he followed me the second time, I think I said, "Chill and get a life," but I really don't remember.  It was cold.  He was sputtering something about agreeing with me, in principle, but upholding until death the FCC, and I was freezing.

At the bottom of the hill, I realized that I had left my sweater in the broadcast booth. I drove back to retrieve it.

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF THE HUMOROUS ADVENTURES OF CONNIE CORCORAN WILSON:

Or, better yet, buy Connie Corcoran Wilson's book, Both Sides Now available at her website (www.ConnieCorcoranWilson.com) or at Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com, which has this story and many others too funny (and long) to recount here in their entirety.

Next installment: Will Connie be entombed in a radio booth with bars, not allowed to contact her attorney, and held without charges for two and one-half years, or will WVIK just send her packing to the Halliburton-built holding cells already in place in Guantanamo Bay? Will Connie be tied to the nearby Rock Island lines railroad tracks? And, if so, will local Dean supporters rescue her before the train cuts her in half?  Yikes!

[Tune in for further blog installments of this and many other humorous adventures of this not-easily-silenced Deaniac!]

USDA targets 5,000 Iowa cattle for mad cow testing
Quad-City Times

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) - A government plan to test for mad cow disease includes at least 5,000 cattle in Iowa, according to a copyright story in Saturday's edition of The Des Moines Register.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture will begin the voluntary testing effort in June to determine whether the United States has any infected cattle. The first reported U.S. mad cow case was found last December in Washington state.

The effort won't be easy. Industry experts say many farmers and ranchers will be hesitant to have cattle checked for fear one could test positive.

"It will be for the good of the whole industry" to have the testing done, said John Schiltz, the Iowa state veterinarian. "When you want to try to find out the extent of the problem, this is the only way to accomplish that."

The USDA plans to test 200,000 to 270,000 high-risk cattle nationwide over a 12-month period. The testing will target older animals that are ill, lame or have died on the farm - the cattle considered most likely to have the brain-wasting disease, known as bovine spongiform encephalopathy.

(more)

Christian Leaders Chastise pResident Bush's 'Clean Air' Policy as Immoral
Worldwide Faith News

Washington, D.C. - With a major mobilization of its base, U.S. Christian leaders are using their clout to call attention to the Bush Administration's "clean air" policy that they say goes against Christian principles of stewardship and care for God's creation and God's children.

In a letter sent [April 22] to pResident Bush, nearly 100 national and state Christian leaders in the country, representing millions of congregants, expressed grave moral concern and dismay over the pResident's stewardship of America's environment and the implications for Americans' health - particularly for children, women and the elderly.

"Ever since taking office, the Administration has weakened critical health standards, especially the Clean Air Act," said Bob Edgar, General Secretary of the National Council of Churches, whose 36 member denominations count 45 million adherents in more than 100,000 congregations nationwide.

Some of the Iowa signatories:

* Rev. Sarai Beck, Executive Director, Ecumenical Ministries of Iowa

* Rev. Philip Hougen, Bishop, Southeastern Iowa Synod, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America

* Rev. Harry Olthoff, General Presbyter and Facilitator, Presbytery of Eastern Iowa, Presbyterian Church (USA)

(more)

Project Myth Breaker
How You Can Help Your County Auditor

1.  Visit www.votersunite.org to learn more about the project.

2.  Sign up to deliver “Myth Breakers for Election Officials” to your county auditor at www.votersunite.org/takeaction/myth-signup1.asp

3.  After you sign up with VotersUnite, please also let Alta Price (aprice@democracyforiowa.com) know that you are planning to participate. This will help her update the media alert that will be sent out on Monday.

4.  If you have not been given a copy of “Myth Breakers for Election Officials,” download one here: www.votersunite.org/takeaction/mythbreakers.pdf

5.  You should have been given a Myth Breakers title page with the name, address, phone and fax numbers, and email address of your county auditor. Use this page as the first page of the document you downloaded in step 4.

(If you were not given such a page, either contact Alta Price, at aprice@democracyforiowa.com to have one sent by email, or use the title page that you downloaded. You will need to locate your county auditor’s office. Check here for your auditor’s name and address.)

6.  Contact other activists and arrange for them to go with you when you deliver the document. Ideally, at least one of you should read it!  If you have questions about the content, contact Ellen Theisen (ellen@votersunite.org). If you can’t get anyone else to go, just go by yourself.

7.  A media alert was sent out April 22 to media throughout Iowa. The same alert will be sent out on Monday, April 26. You should have been given a copy of the first media alert. (If not, contact Alta Price at aprice@democracyforiowa.com for one.) Feel free to use it to contact your local press, using yourself as a local contact. Encourage your local press to cover the event.

8.  Hand-deliver the “Myth Breakers for Election Officials” to your county auditor on Tuesday, April 27. We want to try to do this on the same day to make it more interesting for the press. Obviously, if Tuesday doesn’t work, pick another day.

Tell the election official, "I'm with VotersUnite.org, a non-partisan group of citizens concerned about electronic voting. We want you to have the information you need to make informed decisions about our election systems, and we're delivering copies of "Myth Breakers" to every local election official in Iowa."

9.  Share your stories with VotersUnite! (www.votersunite.org)  and Blog for Iowa (www.blogforiowa.com).

Thank you so much for your help! If you have questions or need help, please contact one of the following people:

At VotersUnite!:

Ellen Theisen, 360-437-9922, ellen@votersunite.org

At Democracy for Iowa:

Alta L. Price, MD 563-332-5051 or 563-421-1140, aprice@democracyforiowa.com