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pablate - Mon 01 Sep 2008 02:15 AM CDT
Connie Wilson - Sat 23 Aug 2008 06:31 PM CDT
altheakims - Tue 19 Aug 2008 04:28 AM CDT
Richard - Sun 17 Aug 2008 06:57 PM CDT
sspl05 - Sat 02 Aug 2008 07:21 AM CDT
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Thursday, January 26
OH, THAT SHORT TERM MEMORY!
by
Molly Regan
on Thu 26 Jan 2006 02:08 PM CST
 OH, THAT SHORT TERM MEMORY!
From "The Onion"…'SCIENTIST HAS NAGGING FEELING HE LEFT PARTICLE ACCELERATOR ON'
"Chicago - University of Chicago particle physicist Matthew Sharp drove
halfway home before he was struck with the fear that he'd left the
Argonne Tandem Linac Accelerator System running…'I think I powered it
down after smashing those 9-GeV electrons into 3.1-GeV positrons, but I
don't specifically remember flipping the switch,' Sharp said.
'Not only does a nine million volt electrostatic tandem Van de Graaff
injector accelerator cost a lot to run, it's also a pretty serious fire
hazard.' Sharp almost turned his car around, but didn't, because
the past three times he's gone back to check on the accelerator, he's
found it off."
This from the tongue-in-cheek "The Onion Presents Embedded in America
Volume 16, America's Finest News Source, Complete News Archives" 2005
Published by Three Rivers Press, page 123
Don't forget your local responsibilities…CPR : CONSERVE/PARTICIPATE/RECYCLE
Wednesday, January 25
The Congressman and Abramoff (as told by Dr Seuss)
by
Caroline Vernon
on Wed 25 Jan 2006 04:40 PM CST
 The Congressman and Abramoff (As Told by Dr. Seuss)
Thanks to Jim Nickel for sharing this.
That Abramoff!
That Abramoff!
I do not like that Abramoff!
"Would you like to play some golf?"
I do not want to play some golf.
I do not want to, Abramoff.
"We could fly you there for free.
Off to Scotland, by the sea."
I do not want to fly for free.
I don't like Scotland by the sea.
I do not want to play some golf.
I do not want to, Abramoff.
"Would you, could you, take this bribe?
Could you, would you, for the tribe?"
I would not, could not, take this bribe.
I could not, would not, for the tribe.
"If we strong armed the corporations
Into giving you donations?
They'd be funneled to your PAC.
Would you then cut us some slack?"
I would not, could not, cut you slack.
I do not care about my PAC.
I do not want to play some golf.
I do not want to, Abramoff.
"A plane! A plane! A plane! A plane!
Would you, could you, for a plane?"
I could not, would not, for a plane.
Not for a bribe, not for the tribe.
Not for your corporate donations.
Not for my PAC, not for some slack.
Not from ANY schmoe named Jack.
"Would you help us buy some ships
Perfect for quick gambling trips?
Talk to people in the know
For a little quid pro quo?
Oh come now, don't be such a snob.
Let us give your wife a job."
I will not help you buy some ships.
I do not wish for gambling trips.
My wife she does not need a job
Even if she is a snob.
I do not like bribes, can't you see?
Why won't you please just let me be?
"You do not like bribes, so you say.
Try them, try them, and you may.
Try them and you may, I say."
Jack, if you will just let me be
I will try them, then you'll see.
Say.... I do like playing golf!
I like it, I do, Abramoff!
I do like Scotland by the sea.
It's such a thrilling place to be!
And so I will take this large bribe.
And I will help the indian tribe.
And I will take your large donations
From all your big corporations.
And I will help you buy some ships.
And I will take quick gambling trips.
Say, I'll give anyone the shaft
As long as it involves some graft!
I do so like playing golf!
Thank you! Thank you,
Abramoff!
Sunday, January 15
COW EXCAPES SLAUGHTER
by
Molly Regan
on Sun 15 Jan 2006 10:15 AM CST
 COW ESCAPES SLAUGHTER
QuadCity Times
GREAT FALLS, Mont. - A spirited cow that jumped a slaughterhouse
gate and evaded capture for six hours may not be doomed after
all. Appeals to spare the life of the 1,200-pound heifer came
from across the nation after she fled Mickey's Packing Plant on
Thursday (January 5th) and had several near-death experiences before
walking into a makeshift pen and then a stock trailer.
"Road and rail traffic nearly hit her; she almost drowned while
crossing the Missouri River and she refused to be stilled by three
tranquilizer darts.
"The manager of Mickey's Packing Plant said the animal he dubbed Molly
B. probably will be spared from the killing floor. Employees
voted 10-1 to keep her alive.
"The manager said the owner is willing to sell Molly B., but wants more than the estimated $1,140 she is worth slaughtered."
This from the QuadCityTimes.
Maybe some force in the universe talked with that cow.
Anyway, don't forget CPR: CONSERVE/PARTICIPATE/RECYCLE
Sunday, January 1
Need A Good Laugh? Read The Onion's Top Ten Stories List for 2005
by
Linda Thieman
on Sun 01 Jan 2006 06:10 PM CST
 Need A Good Laugh?
Read The Onion's Top Ten Stories List for 2005
Happy New Year (we hope) from the Blog for Iowa blog team!
Thought we'd lighten up the mood a little - and perhaps relieve your hangover - with a little levity from The Onion. Click here to read The Onion's Top Ten News Stories of 2005. Scroll down for a little peak.
Number 1 Story: Bush Elected President of Iraq
BAGHDAD—In a vast outpouring of gratitude to the man they call
"Our Great Savior From The West," the people of Iraq flooded the polls
during yesterday's first free elections, voting overwhelmingly for
George W. Bush as their first democratically elected leader.
Bush, who spent nearly half a trillion dollars of U.S. taxpayer money
on his campaign, received a concession call from Abu Musaiya at 11:30
EST last night....
Bush, who surged in the polls after all of the other candidates were
killed by either coalition forces or insurgents in the final week
leading up to the election, characterized his victory as the dawn of
democracy in the Middle East, and proof that the system works.
---
You know, some of these Top 10 stories are pretty filthy. Don't forget to read the captions, too!
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