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Main Page  »  Humor
View Article  OH, THAT SHORT TERM MEMORY!
OH, THAT SHORT TERM MEMORY!



From "The Onion"'SCIENTIST HAS NAGGING FEELING HE LEFT PARTICLE ACCELERATOR ON'

"Chicago - University of Chicago particle physicist Matthew Sharp drove halfway home before he was struck with the fear that he'd left the Argonne Tandem Linac Accelerator System running…'I think I powered it down after smashing those 9-GeV electrons into 3.1-GeV positrons, but I don't specifically remember flipping the switch,' Sharp said.

'Not only does a nine million volt electrostatic tandem Van de Graaff injector accelerator cost a lot to run, it's also a pretty serious fire hazard.'  Sharp almost turned his car around, but didn't, because the past three times he's gone back to check on the accelerator, he's found it off."

This from the tongue-in-cheek "The Onion Presents Embedded in America Volume 16, America's Finest News Source, Complete News Archives" 2005 Published by Three Rivers Press, page 123

Don't forget your local responsibilities…CPR : CONSERVE/PARTICIPATE/RECYCLE

View Article  The Congressman and Abramoff (as told by Dr Seuss)
  The Congressman and Abramoff (As Told by Dr. Seuss)

Thanks to Jim Nickel for sharing this.
 

That Abramoff!

That Abramoff!
I do not like that Abramoff!

"Would you like to play some golf?"

I do not want to play some golf.
I do not want to, Abramoff.

"We could fly you there for free.
Off to Scotland, by the sea."

I do not want to fly for free.
I don't like Scotland by the sea.
I do not want to play some golf.
I do not want to, Abramoff.

"Would you, could you, take this bribe?
Could you, would you, for the tribe?"

I would not, could not, take this bribe.
I could not, would not, for the tribe.

"If we strong armed the corporations
Into giving you donations?
They'd be funneled to your PAC.
Would you then cut us some slack?"

I would not, could not, cut you slack.
I do not care about my PAC.
I do not want to play some golf.
I do not want to, Abramoff.

"A plane! A plane! A plane! A plane!
Would you, could you, for a plane?"

I could not, would not, for a plane.
Not for a bribe, not for the tribe.
Not for your corporate donations.
Not for my PAC, not for some slack.
Not from ANY schmoe named Jack.

"Would you help us buy some ships
Perfect for quick gambling trips?
Talk to people in the know
For a little quid pro quo?
Oh come now, don't be such a snob.
Let us give your wife a job."

I will not help you buy some ships.
I do not wish for gambling trips.
My wife she does not need a job
Even if she is a snob.
I do not like bribes, can't you see?
Why won't you please just let me be?

"You do not like bribes, so you say.
Try them, try them, and you may.
Try them and you may, I say."

Jack, if you will just let me be
I will try them, then you'll see.

Say.... I do like playing golf!
I like it, I do, Abramoff!
I do like Scotland by the sea.
It's such a thrilling place to be!
And so I will take this large bribe.
And I will help the indian tribe.
And I will take your large donations
From all your big corporations.
And I will help you buy some ships.
And I will take quick gambling trips.
Say, I'll give anyone the shaft
As long as it involves some graft!

I do so like playing golf!
Thank you! Thank you,
Abramoff!

View Article  COW EXCAPES SLAUGHTER
COW ESCAPES SLAUGHTER

QuadCity Times

GREAT FALLS, Mont. - A spirited cow that jumped a slaughterhouse gate and evaded capture for six hours may not be doomed after all.  Appeals to spare the life of the 1,200-pound heifer came from across the nation after she fled Mickey's Packing Plant on Thursday (January 5th) and had several near-death experiences before walking into a makeshift pen and then a stock trailer.

"Road and rail traffic nearly hit her; she almost drowned while crossing the Missouri River and she refused to be stilled by three tranquilizer darts.

"The manager of Mickey's Packing Plant said the animal he dubbed Molly B. probably will be spared from the killing floor.  Employees voted 10-1 to keep her alive.

"The manager said the owner is willing to sell Molly B., but wants more than the estimated $1,140 she is worth slaughtered."

This from the QuadCityTimes.  

Maybe some force in the universe talked with that cow.

Anyway, don't forget CPR: CONSERVE/PARTICIPATE/RECYCLE


View Article  Need A Good Laugh? Read The Onion's Top Ten Stories List for 2005
  Need A Good Laugh?
Read The Onion's Top Ten Stories List for 2005



Happy New Year (we hope) from the Blog for Iowa blog team!

Thought we'd lighten up the mood a little - and perhaps relieve your hangover - with a little levity from The Onion.  Click here to read The Onion's Top Ten News Stories of 2005.  Scroll down for a little peak.

Number 1 Story: Bush Elected President of Iraq

BAGHDAD—
In a vast outpouring of gratitude to the man they call "Our Great Savior From The West," the people of Iraq flooded the polls during yesterday's first free elections, voting overwhelmingly for George W. Bush as their first democratically elected leader.

Bush, who spent nearly half a trillion dollars of U.S. taxpayer money on his campaign, received a concession call from Abu Musaiya at 11:30 EST last night....

Bush, who surged in the polls after all of the other candidates were killed by either coalition forces or insurgents in the final week leading up to the election, characterized his victory as the dawn of democracy in the Middle East, and proof that the system works.
---

You know, some of these Top 10 stories are pretty filthy.  Don't forget to read the captions, too!

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