SCIENTISTS DOUBT EXISTENCE OF DEMOCRATS
The Borowitz Report
Opposition Party Could Be Black Hole, Experts Say

With George W. Bush’s approval ratings plummeting in recent weeks, the inability on the part of Democrats to capitalize on [Bush]’s waning fortunes has caused some leading scientists to postulate that the Democratic Party may not exist at all.

Dr. Marisa Drazin, a leading scientist who for years has been questioning the existence of Democrats, said today that what many have thought to be the Democratic Party may in fact be nothing more than a black hole.

“When [Bush] loses ten or twelve approval points, one would normally expect those approval points to go to the opposition party,” Dr. Drazin said. “But instead, those points have vanished into thin air, leading one to conclude that the so-called Democratic Party does not exist."

Theories about the nonexistence of the Democratic Party are nothing new, said Dr. Drazin, who pointed out that scientists first developed them during the 1988 presidential campaign of then-Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis. 

While the silence of the Democratic Party in recent weeks seems to bolster theories of the party’s nonexistence, she said, there are still some nagging pieces of evidence to the contrary, such as the perpetually outspoken DNC chairman, former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean.

“I’ve discussed the Howard Dean phenomenon with my colleagues,” Dr. Drazin said. “And it’s the consensus of the scientific community that there is no logical explanation for Howard Dean.”

(source)